Six of the eight participants referred to the interview and body mapping process as therapeutic. When asked further, they all explained that they had never before had the opportunity to both ‘see’ and ‘think’ about their body in this way. These comments provided early insight into how participants made sense of the research process, and that they were able to embrace what was being asked of them.
Our analysis of the artworks and narratives revealed three main narrative plots, each with a number of sub-plots. We followed these plot lines through each of the merged narratives. The result was a layered analysis and rich polyphony drawing on themes representing the embodied experiences of these injured athletes.
Running away from former ways of being
Some participants described running as a way of achieving more fulfilling subjectivities. This appears to be driven by unhappiness and a desire for something more and different. Possibly the most extreme example of this is Craig. After a marriage breakdown, many years as a business owner and retired elite footballer, Craig began running and completely changed his life;
“I just did the whole kahuna life change. But it wasn’t just about the running, I think it was more about…I didn’t like life, being what I was”.
Ultra-running provided Craig with a purpose and a direction. It allowed him to experience an alternative way of being from “drinking beer, having too many BBQ’s and not being active enough” to someone who travels the world competing in ultra-marathons, and is a sought-after running coach.
“I changed my whole life. Gave up work. Had a business for 27 years. That was 4 years ago”.
The liminality caused by injury has hijacked Craig’s newly founded indelible subjectivity. His lengthy battle with multiple injuries has forced Craig to confront what he gave up, resulting in fluctuating and alternating experiences of denial, persistence and regret;
To be honest, I probably gave up the business two to three years too early
I think with ultra-running you’re always injured. It’s just a case of how injured are you?
Naomi describes running as a way to “better myself”. Her experience of being “pretty good at this” and of being seen by others in the running community as a competent runner has offered Naomi an alternative way of being, an internalised experience of being successful and accomplished.
Naomi’s body map represents current and former ways of being. Both existing in the one body, with Naomi’s current suffering hidden underneath her performative running self (Fig. 3a & 3b).
The confronting experience of injury, and an uncertain running future has since shifted Naomi’s subjectivity. She describes chronic anxiety, insomnia and a temporary marriage separation at a time when she felt unable to put meaning to her physical pain.
Injury has injected fear and doubt into Naomi’s transformation.
For one participant, his desire for transformation has its genesis in an idealised representation of a former body-self. According to James;
“I’ve always been a runner, but I struggled with the discipline when I was young”. After having a family and spending years building on running longer distances, James is determined to transform into a version of his former self. “This time, I went into it [100km training] incredibly disciplined”.
For James, discipline is the ingredient that he believes will transform him into a successful ultra-runner. However recurring knee injuries where “my knee just collapses under me” has threatened to collapse his hopes for an ultra-running future (Fig. 4).
Despite this, he remains determined to progress towards his transformation;“I still want to believe. I’ve convinced myself to maintain the belief that I can do it [100km event]”
Seeking to be seen and to be whole
Several participants describe the sacrifices and self-lessness of raising children and managing the demands of a family. Craig refers to this as a time when;
“…you can forget about your life, or your life takes a back seat. Your life goes missing for a while”.
James refers to his love of the outdoors, and of multi-day treks which led him into trail running. However, he states that;
“I ended up moving away from that because of the family life”.
Kelly spoke about moving to Australia from England 22 years ago. Being away from her family and friends, Kelly started a family and immersed herself into motherhood. Her running journey initially began as a way of developing social connections after a period of disappearing into her family. Initially describing running as something which “really really hurt”, Kelly found that;
“when I started running with people who actually just wanted to run and talk was when I really started to enjoy it”.
Running offered Kelly a way of being seen and a (re)introduction to the social world post motherhood. This enabled her to transcend existing subjectivities. Transformation towards a socially connected self.
After having her third baby, a personal trainer encouraged Lisa to begin her running journey. After running several ultra-marathons, she describes;
“I love feeling physically strong. I love the confidence that comes with training and seeing yourself progress”.
Lisa’s transformation towards strength and confidence also evolved after a period of motherhood and bodily disappearance. For Lisa, progress is suggestive of a journey, a changing body resulting in shifting subjectivities from invisibility to embodied strength.
Lisa’s body map illustrates her desire to be seen, with friends and family all watching and supporting at her shoulders (Fig. 5).
Lauren explains how she started “the serious running” after having her second child.
“I ran my first marathon when he was just six months old”.
What followed for Lauren was an embodied transformation interrupted by injury. Through the mirror of injury Lauren has been confronted with past traumas which threaten to unravel her body-self transformation (Fig. 6).
Recently, her steadfast determination has begun to buckle under the weight of her past emotional pain resulting in her seeking the support of a Psychologist.
Machina Carnis (Black 2014).
The mechanistic view of the body brought about by anatomy, requires that the body be understood as a closed system that can be explained according to discrete internal subsystems. However, the body as it appears to embodied human perception is a single entity that functions as an interface with its environment and other bodies. A site of exchange and interaction (Black, 2014)
In activities founded upon searching and surpassing one’s limits, the body becomes an alter ego. An adversary forced into submission to obtain a performance from it (Le Breton, 2000). For the ultra-running body, this takes the form of an athletic machine, a body project built to endure and surpass human-like qualities like fatigue and exhaustion.
When injured, the body emerges as an alien presence, causing participants to engage in first person body alienation resisting parts of the body that are causing pain (Lev, 2020). In this context, the body-machine becomes a useful meaning making metaphor. This protects discursive constructions of the ultra-running self by resisting threats of vulnerability. What ensues is a project involving the gathering and selective internalisation of expert (medical) information, with the aim of rebuilding the machine.
Within the Machina Carnis plot, we identified three subplots;
1. Corporeal betrayal
2. Modern Automata Makers
3. Fortis Corporis
Corporeal betrayal
James refers to a time pre-injury when he would submit to his body’s intentions;
“When you go running, you just let your body tell you what you should be doing today”. The machine is in charge, and the mind submits to its will. However this relationship is significantly fractured when the machine fails or breaks.
For Craig, first person body alienation is demonstrated by his body-machine ‘speaking’ to him when it breaks;
the body just said nope, I’m not happy with you anymore and you have to pay the price
The price being to stop running. The machina carnis (Black, 2014) stops working. While Craig demonstrates the consequences of pushing the body-machine beyond what it can do, limitations can be confronting as the hope for many participants is to push beyond them and keep going. Craig’s body map shows a clear separation between his mind and body, both represented in contrasting colours of yellow and green (Fig. 7).
Kelly talks about what she believes is required to compete in ultra-marathons;
“you need to just push beyond what you know you’re capable of and have faith in your mind and body”.
When the body-machine breaks however, all faith is lost. The machine can no longer be trusted as it has made known it’s limitations.
For some participants, pain signals potential limitations of the body-machine. This brings up fear and denial;
“I felt absolute pain and then I was like, it’s not there. And then is just disappeared. So I kept running”.
Kelly spoke about her ability to “block it [pain] out” denying the faltering machine, and flipping the dynamic by empowering the mind to take back control of the machine.
Kelly’s body map illustrates a strong mind, built over time, allowing her to dissociate from pain altogether (Fig. 8).
Rick’s powerful portrayal of resistance can be seen in his body map, with words and phrases all sitting outside his body. Rick experienced significant difficulty emplacing his experiences onto his body map. Stating ‘I just don’t know where to start’. He then proceeded to talk about his pet bird explaining that ‘he can’t fly because his wing has been clipped’. Rick then painted amber coloured circles within his body representing his worry and anxiety (Fig. 9). Rick speaks about “being used to pain”, and of “pain being my guide”. His relationship with pain built over many years of ultra-running. For Rick, the machine must be indelible, because as he states; “not running does my head in”. The confronting reality of a faulty machine-body is too much to bear, and so Rick’s resistance enables him to continue running.
Experiencing pain as being outside of his body allows Rick to make decisions, remaining in control.
Naomi’s metaphor of a mannequin visually illustrates her helplessness at the moment of injury;
“In that moment I just feel helpless. Like if you were to pull a mannequin out of the clothing and the clothing just falls to the floor. I feel like that’s it. The bone structure’s gone and I just feel deflated”.
Naomi refers to a sudden and dramatic shift in corporeal subjectivity, of lacking structure and of crumbling and vanishing. A stark contrast to her former way of being. What remains are the symbols of what once was, running symbols that represent Naomi’s running-self. (as seen in Fig. 3a).
James spoke about experiencing problems ‘trusting’ his body since injury;
I’m really struggling with that trust element, and then I’ve got these two friends who are physio’s telling me to just stop running
James refers to the liminality of being injured and the uncertainty of his running future. His distrust in his body has allowed for the opinions of others to seep into his subjective experience.
Chantel chooses to surrender her body to the opinions of health professionals;
“I’ve pulled out of UTA before and sold my ticket because my physio said don’t do it. And I’ve spent money to see him, it’s a trust thing”.
Lisa believes that she doesn’t need to trust her body;
“I don’t think I trust my body, but I don’t feel like I need to”.
Lisa also states that she has a physiotherapist who “I trust and think is pretty good”. Lisa also makes frequent references to a number of personal trainers and experts who she believes have helped her rebuild her body-self post-mothering. Corporeal surrendering, and submitting to medical discourse.
After many months of intermittent knee swelling and pain, James spoke about losing trust in his body and in his ability to manage his injuries.
I need to trust that that niggle that I’m feeling can be managed….but I’m really struggling with that trust element. Am I able to make this work?
James is plagued by questions and uncertainty, fluctuating between his former running self and an uncertain running future (Fig. 10).
Modern Automata Makers (Black 2014)
While originally designed to reproduce the appearance of living things since classical Greek times, in the eighteenth century automata evolved into actual simulations created to reproduce physiology (Black, 2014).
Automata makers found ways to replicate aspects of living creatures, generating insight into the inner workings of the human body (Black, 2014). Their over simplified demonstrations rested on the perception that all human functions could be mechanically represented. The implication being, that if it is a function can be replicated it can be fixed when broken.
Many participants in this study identify a struggle in finding the ‘right’ professional to fix or repair their machine-body, frustrated with the limited knowledge of medical specialists. What they seek, is a modern automata maker who demonstrates an understanding of the function of the body and importantly, knows exactly how to fix it.
Lisa spoke about her encounters with medical professionals;
I’ve been to a range of different physio’s over the years, but I’ve got one now that I sort of trust and think is pretty good
Naomi spoke about several different diagnosis given by different specialists, until she found one who promised her relief after only one week off running.
“What I love about this Dr is that she’s all for the cosmetic side just as much as the surgery side. It’s keyhole surgery and the incisions are tiny”.
What this means for Naomi, is a quick return to running.
Craig spoke about seeing two different specialists after a suspected tear in his meniscus;
I went to two specialists. One said there’s a tear in there, and the other said what tear? You have some wear and tear in there but I’ll see you in four years.
Credibility is frequently questioned when the advice does not align with the participants desire to continue running;
“This guy was most likely twice the weight he should be, and he told me at my age I shouldn’t be running. And I’m looking at him going man you should lose 60kg at least”.
Rick was quick to find a reason not to adhere to the advice of one GP who instructed him to stop running.
When Kelly was confronted by a GP who told her she should decrease her running after fracturing her sacrum in two places, she stated;
no disrespect to her but she didn’t look like she did fitness and didn’t look like she was sporty. I think she was teaching herself about it as we were going through the process.
Instead, Kelly chose a health professional recommended by a friend who also runs. Despite admitting the person she was seeing was “not a qualified doctor”., she stated that “they have a lot more awareness of the physical body and how it works with running”. This particular specialist supported Kelly’s decision to continue running with her lower back pain.
Some participants feel validated when the medical advice is ‘proven’ to be wrong. Rick competed in a 260km ultra-marathon just six months after reconstructive knee surgery. His surgeon told him would be “lucky to be able to run 5km”. However as Rick explained;
Other participants rely on internalised medical discourse to directly question medical advice.
After visiting a doctor following her constant pain in her lower back, Naomi was not convinced that the diagnosis was correct;“I don’t think that was the cause of my problem.”
Instead, Naomi continued running until the pain became unbearable. Then she went to see a different specialist and received another diagnosis. According to the MRI scan she had an L5 disk tear in her back. After looking at her own MRI scans, and taking note of a small fibroid on her uterus, Naomi was still distrustful. After seeing two different gynaecologists, she was finally happy with the diagnosis and solution.
“I decided to go down the route of a hysterectomy. I feel like this is the answer to my problems”.
Naomi’s Body Map illustrates her frustration and anger, embodied in her injury experience and existing alongside her [final] relief at obtaining what she feels is the correct diagnosis (Fig. 11)
James spoke about two of his friends who are physiotherapists. Both have told him he shouldn’t be running due to his meniscus tears in both knees.
But this physio I’m with knows there’s no point in saying that. He says I’m just going to give you the best guidance I can to allow you to give this the best shot
So I do really enjoy going to this particular physio
Fortis Corporis (Muller 2017)
Many participants responded to the challenge of injury by (re)building stronger bodies than before. For some, this involved a resistance to the body-machine metaphor, or machina carnis and a fleshy corporeal experience of building strength. Fortis Corporis (Muller, 2017).
Before beginning her body-map Lisa referred to her body as Kintsugi, the traditional Japanese art of repairing broken cracked pottery using lacquer and gold.
“I feel like through injury, my body is stronger than before. Like the stretch marks I have from having my kids. They have made me stronger and my body more beautiful”.
The symmetry between Lisa’s physical scars from having children and her running injury ‘scars’ reflect different subjectivities, both contributing to an embodied strength and beauty. On her body-map hidden beneath a black opaque façade are golden stars representing the sites of pain and injury (Fig. 12).
Several participants refer to a process of rebuilding post-injury, with an embodied strength intended to transcend the limits of the body-machine.
Rick, when referring to his recovery post knee reconstruction; “I built it up slowly” Through this build Rick described an iterative process of attuning and responding to pain, like the early stages of a new relationship.
When talking about her looming hysterectomy to remove a large fibroid pressing on her sacrum, Naomi relies on her running coach to help (re)build her running body-self;
Terry will build me properly
Chantel, diagnosed with fibromyalgia refers to a consistent journey of building strength to avoid “being in a wheelchair by the time I’m 60”. Each building block feels unstable as the threat of sickness is an ever-present cloud threatening to rain down on her progress.
Chantel is very aware of the limitations of her body-machine and so her focus is on maintenance as opposed to (re)building.
Kelly refers to the importance of strength training to protect her body-machine;
“I always have pain when I run, but I know when I’m going to the gym regularly the pain is less, and I just feel stronger and faster”.
Although Kelly states “my mind has always been strong”. She refers to her pained body as a project that is out of alignment with her mind. Something she repeatedly tries to “block out”.
The fragility and vulnerability Kelly experiences in her body is a confronting reflection of her mother’s fragility when she was younger, as she explains her mother’s battle with suicide and mental health.
Kelly’s resistance is to build her body-machine to align with her experience of having a “resistance and resilience to be able to cope with stuff and just push through it”. (Fig. 13).
Playing with Death
Being-toward-death is considered the most authentic human experience according to Heidegger (1978). While most dwell in forgetfulness, ultra-runners are confronted with their mortality through the anxiety attached to pain and injury.
Rick stated that the only two reasons he would pull out of a race is permanent injury or death. While in hospital following an acute respiratory event during one race, he thought “I want to see my wife and kids. I don’t want to die”.
For Rick, coming close to and avoiding permanent injury and death on several occasions throws him into an anxiety which he has become familiar with. A confrontation of choice and taking ownership of his existence and being-in-the-world (Heidegger, 1978).
Faced with the uncertainty of his injury, Rick began to contemplate what he described as the ‘ultimate sacrifice’ to continue running. A reminder of the one limit that cannot be surpassed (LeBreton, 2000).
“We’re not racing for cattle stations or anything it’s only for ourselves. So there is no point in going to the extreme of dying”.
Rick’s playful and sarcastic tone resembles a level of comfort and confidence is his choices, in seeing and avoiding his own mortality. However, it is also a reminder of an inevitability that is too much to bear;
“I don’t think about being unable to run again, I just don’t go there”.
Chantel describes a body riddled with illness related impairments, from fibromyalgia and patellar tendinopathy to high blood pressure and heart problems. When she was diagnosed with fibromyalgia several years ago she was told by her medical specialist that “if things don’t change you won’t make it to 50 years, and if you do you will be in a wheelchair unable to walk”.
Chantel’s running journey is sustained by a desire to stay mobile and alive. For her running is a stark reminder of what she is actively resisting; a disabled body.
From literal death to a metaphorical death represented through the liminality of injury and an uncertain running future, several participants described an existential anxiety when the everyday absorption in, and familiarity of the world collapses (Heidegger, 1978).
For Craig, COVID and injury have forced him to confront the limitations of an ageing body, and the possibility of a looming future with no ultra-running;
“So I’m 56 in 4 months, I think by 60 it could all be over”.
Despite a growing awareness of the limitations imposed by an ageing body, the body life transformation that running enabled Craig is a gift he is unwilling to give up;
“I can’t think about not being able to run. I’ve made it my life, it’s what I do with my friends on the weekend”.
For Naomi this resistance takes the form of hypothetical bargaining. Finding a physical pursuit to replace not being able to run.
“I’d go back to playing hockey if I couldn’t run. And if I couldn’t do that, I would have to find a new goal to excel at”.
Resisting the ageing body by submitting to performance discourses.
James’ realisation that “life is getting short” leads him to resist his ageing body, avoiding a metaphorical running death by finding any way to keep moving despite the ongoing pain in his knee.
Right now I exercise 5 days a week, and the running is about three times a week. But the swelling is still there.
Kelly on the hand, contemplates the possibility of a running death;
“I guess if I couldn’t run I would rebirth myself in some way”.
Kelly’s reference to rebirthing is a demonstration of her resilience and resistance developed through childhood trauma and relationship breakdowns. An ability to start all over again after trauma or loss.