The analysis illuminated three distinct but inter-related themes mothers used to describe their turning point experience: 1) shifting- the mental shifts that mothers underwent when realizing what protecting their child(ren) would require; 2) planning- the resources needed to leave the abusive relationship in a way that would ensure their child(ren)’s protection after leaving; and 3) deciding- the moment mothers determined they were leaving.
Shifting
You kind of have to have the courage and believe yourself that it’s not right. (N2)
Mental Shift
Mothers discussed how turning points began with mental shifts. For many mothers, the initial mental shift that took place was realizing they were in fact in a violent relationship and that violence would not change. This led mothers to conclude that the only way to protect themselves and their child(ren) was to leave—a realization often riddled with guilt and/or a sense of loss. One mother described arriving at the conclusion that her partner was not going to change, saying, “[the violence is] never going to change. He’s not – and there’s just – he’s never going to change. And that was always what I was trying to hope for, but it will never happen” (N2). For many mothers coming to this realization was difficult, as most had held out hope that change would happen. Mothers described the difficulty in the mental shift of letting go of hope as their abusers often showed remorse after a violence event:
It would have been very easy to stay; it would have been easier to stay. Because he actually did go into the – he was really apologetic saying he was crying all the time and I just – like, he would flip-flop so he’d be angry one minute and then he would be in tears the next and begging me to stay and saying he could be different. And then, you know, he’d call me a name and have a tantrum and make me cry. … And I did feel really bad for him. Because he did get really depressed. And then I felt like I was doing the wrong thing [leaving] (N5).
Realizing that the violence would not end, but rather that it was a cycle of abuse led mothers to a mental shift of realizing that staying was no longer an option. One mother explained this realization saying, “…finally realizing that [living in a home where mom is abused] is not good for the child also. And also, sometimes feeling that the child might be at risk or in danger of being hurt as well. It didn’t happen to the child but there’s just that fear” (N1). For other mothers, the shift occurred when the risk to their child(ren) became more pronounced. This could be a result of the fear that the child might be abused or an instance where the child could have been injured as a result of the abuse. One mother described this saying,
The motivating factor was that my kids were being put in the middle. When my first was just a baby, the abuse, just for an example, like, I was pushed up against a wall and the picture and the glass broke off my head into her, like, playpen and then he had taken her and put her down in the playpen and there was, like, glass in her head….I just, you know, I thought you can do what you want to me because I can take it and I probably, like, I felt like I deserve it. I felt like I’m doing something wrong. Or kind of my penance for making bad decisions. But as soon as I saw my kids, you know, being affected by it I was like, this is bigger than me (N3).
For mothers the mental shift and start of the turning point was when the risk to the children became imminent. For some mothers this risk became more urgent as they visualized the potential ongoing impact as their children grew up:
I just tried to visualize what the future was going to look like there and the bigger she would be getting I know he would have less and less patience for her. And I didn’t want her living in that. I didn’t like even as an infant the looks I saw on her face and the crying. I realize as an older kid I didn’t want to have to walk in and soothe her because he said something nasty to her or backhanded or who knows, I just didn’t ever want to deal with that (N6).
For other mothers, the risk became real when they realized that their child(ren) was/were already being impacted by the violence:
Well, I think it’s when the children – when the children start noticing that they’re being – that the mom’s being abused because we try and hide it from them so much. And we think that we are, but when my youngest daughter starts saying certain things, to me it's, …. Well, it’s because [the abuse] seems normal to you [mother].” And [other daughter], “Yes. He’s done it 40 times in the last six months.” … [nervously laughs] I’m, oh my God, she’s counting (N2).
Grieving to Make Space for Hope
This mental shift of realizing that they needed to leave for their child(ren) was/were accompanied by grief that gave way to hope in the future. The grief for mothers stemmed from a loss of their dream of the way they perceived a family ought to be. Mothers had to grieve their mental shift and the future they were losing:
Well, I had a dream that we would be a family forever’. And so that was – the emotional part was the hardest probably – just giving up on that dream. And seeing it – just realizing this isn’t normal – this isn’t good for any of us. So, coming to the decision that I’m the one responsible for breaking up – well I’m not responsible – but I’m the one that has to do the hard thing and say, ‘This is enough’… (N2).
Borne out of this grief was a sense hope for the future, that in turn began to motivated mothers towards change. For mothers, the grief eventually gave way to a sense of increased resolve to leave and renewed hope for the future. This resolve was partly due to the realization that they did not deserve to be abused, which allowed them to lean into hope for the future and what leaving might mean for them:“... eventually as I got enough of, like, the courage and to convince myself, like, no, this actually isn’t right, and this [abuse] isn’t all of it is when I started thinking to myself that I could have something different” (N3). This hope for something different was liberating with one mother saying, “it felt more liberating, sort of I’m taking this risk and I’m going to leave for good and once I’m out of here I’m going to leave all this behind, so it feels kind of hopeful and liberating” (N1). The hope that mothers had once they had moved through grieving the relationship helped mothers to endure the ongoing abuse as they made moves towards leaving, saying,
I don’t know if it’s a thing or anything, but I started imagining what – actually picturing myself in an apartment with my girls and what sort of things we’d be doing and how we’d be feeling and laughing and enjoying life. I would actually sit in that for – I would – just be a dream for 10, 15 minutes and just watch it, as if it was a movie of the three of us being happy and not being criticized – not [crying] being in that situation. So that really helped to bring up my hope and motivation to keep going and get out and leave, [laughs] if that makes sense (N2).
Within the mental shift was a grieving process for the future mothers had lost and a hope for a new future, one free of abuse where mothers and their child(ren) could be safe.
Planning
“It felt like a bit hopeless sometimes and also very unsure of what the future will be and just uncertainty in general” (N1)
Planning for mothers was about taking the time to figure out both the next steps in leaving the relationship as well as physical leaving the abusive residence. For many mothers, their turning point was constrained by their lack of resources, which meant planning was required, as mothers were concerned that leaving would disadvantage their child(ren) more than the threat or exposure to abuse associated with staying. The realities of poverty, homelessness, and food insecurity when leaving often meant mothers would stay for their child(ren). While this tension was described by mothers, they all revealed a point when they realized the potential risk to the physical and emotional safety for the child(ren) outweighed the risks of poverty, homelessness, and food insecurity. Once mothers had reached a turning point, they took a few weeks to plan, gathering resources to support their leaving. Mothers described working to identify employment, childcare, and local supports as key needs that were often unavailable in their communities. For many mothers, this required planning to secure a job and housing, as they did not want to have to go back to their abusive partner. One mother explained how her advanced planning made leaving possible saying, “I was able to find another job that had a higher paid salary, so that was kind of when I made the decision to leave” (N1). While some mothers were able to find employment which facilitated their turning point for other mothers this was not possible. Mothers also explained that often employment was not an option as the concerns for child safety and protection meant there were no childcare options that met their safety needs. This added pressure meant that many mothers relied on social safety nets instead of working, as they could not justify the risk to their child(ren): “I had a hard time with employment just because of childcare and there were some options I had available with childcare, but I also didn’t want to leave her just with anyone at that point. So, there was a time where I was just on welfare because I had just left, I didn’t really have any extra money, I had the bare minimum that I had saved” (N6). These difficulties were exacerbated for some mothers living in rural communities as they had a shortage of resources, a well-documented issue in rural communities. As a means to deal with the lack of resources, mothers in rural communities described that leaving their partners meant they had to depart entirely from their community due to the lack of available resources in these small towns. One mother explained,
It was really difficult because there’s nothing in the town to support you other than other than the Ontario Works building. So, there was nothing really that kind of pushed or helped. You know? There was no, like, resources or anything. So that made it really difficult... I had to go out of my county in order to get out of the situation because the county’s so small …So I had to put literal kilometers in between me [and him] (N3).
For mothers, lack of resources and safe resources meant planning to leave involves leaving more than just the relationship but also the community.
Deciding
…but something just snapped in my head that… what am I doing? (N5)
Mothers described the process of turning points alongside planning that led to them make the final decision to leave- the point and time most mothers referred to as their turning point. Mothers described this as a culmination of factors leading to a point in time when they knew it was time to leave. While for some mothers this was an instance or a specific violent event for others it was when there was they realized there really was no hope left for or in the relationship. One mother who described a specific instance that precipitated leaving it was when she encountered her daughter in tears after her husband had gone into her daughter’s room and was ‘horsing around’ but then wouldn’t stop when the daughter asked him to stop. This was a reality check for the mom explaining,
And when I went into her room, she was laying on the bed curled up in a ball crying. … I’ve been noticing it’s been happening, but I just couldn’t figure out how to get out because I didn’t have the money. I didn’t have – and there’s no place to live. I’m not going to bring them to the street. So, it’s that – it’s them noticing and me going, ‘OK. I can’t stand by and watch this anymore. This is – my little girl is just – she’s dying inside right now’ (N2).
For other mothers the violent event in and of itself was not memorable or over a line she had set but rather it was just within the context of experiencing violence that the decision was made:
It was in my head a lot the whole time, but if things weren’t so bad – it’s hard to leave when you’re having a good day, it’s just the blow ups and then those moments you want to escape, at least for me. But it was just during one of those blows ups I just decided I was going to take off the next morning when he had left for work” (N6).
For some mothers, the turning point was not because of a violent event but rather a realization that the relationship was over. For one mother, it was recognizing the absurdity of the lie she and her children were living, pretending that everything was okay when it was not, and it was not ever going to be. This juxtaposition became a turning point for the mother,
Because we were planning some things and then he just snapped. And I just – I thought I’m not going to just keep doing – like, we’re making plans… And he kind of went off and then I just told him that I’m not taking a holiday and I’m leaving and just it went from planning a fun holiday to I’m done. And – which he was kind of surprised and I don’t know why I did it that way, but something just snapped in my head that… what am I doing? Kind of like I’m pretending that I’m in this fun relationship when it’s really not. I don’t know. Mentally something just changed that second. I think he didn’t believe me (N5).
For another mother, there was a personal toll on her led to the turning point. This mother describing the culmination of events and realizing that they were not right, and not going to change made her realize what staying the relationship was costing her. It was because of this that she decided to leave: “…so I think it was a build-up of I know this isn’t right, I know this isn’t right … So, it was just, like, kind of recognizing and being, like, I need to change something before I drown” (N3).